![]() And you can start to shift your responses, so that you’re not getting so overwhelmed, and you’re not looking so angry all the time. From here, you can get help that’s a little more targeted than just general anger management strategies. Just KNOWING that your external response isn’t really just anger can be helpful. Or potentially some overwhelming fears about what could go wrong in the future. Maybe some thoughts about how you need to be perfect. If you’re someone who has anxiety-driven anger, you might notice that you have a lot of internal and external stress happening on your iceberg. Do you like how you respond on the outside? Are you surprised by what’s coming up for you on the inside? Does any of it feel really vulnerable or scary or overwhelming (in which case, it might be a good idea to talk with an anxiety therapist?) Once you’ve completed your anger iceberg, you want to ask yourself a few follow up questions. The Anger Iceberg and Anxiety-Driven Anger We’re all a product of our upbringing and our environment, so keep both of those factors in play. The internal stuff, underneath the surface of the water, could both be what you’re experiencing in the moment (anxiety, sadness, stress), and past, historical things you’ve had to go through (trauma, grief and loss, parents with anger management issues, etc.) Check outgoing whereby easy a is to completely and eSign documents online using fillable templates and an powerful. Sometimes there is complex mixes of underlying emotion, which rise till the surface more anger. What were you doing on the outside that other people could observe? And what was really going on for you on the inside? But angry actions are usually triggered by secondary sentiment such as feel, anger, sadness or vulnerable feels. Maybe think about the last time you had a big reaction to something, even a reaction that got you in to trouble. This is where The Anger Iceberg comes in.Įven if it feels a little scary, I want you to think about what’s really happening underneath the surface. ![]() But what if you’re not reallllllyyyyy angry? What if you’re ignoring the bigger picture to your detriment? It may feel more comfortable to tell yourself that you’re just angry, or that so and so deserved your ire. Anger can feel like a really protective mechanism. You, honestly, might not want to think about what’s really going on when you have an angry reaction (or overreaction). We don’t always want to dive down into those cold waters. 90% of an iceberg is hidden underneath the water, way down deep in the murky depths. They’re huge! And we only see the top 10%. is only the tip of the iceberg.Īs you may already know, icebergs are massive. What we’re showing people on the outside - the punching, the yelling, the fawning, the ‘disrespectful tone,’ etc. Looking underneath the surface of your anger response: They’re valid! But it’s important to explore why you may not have 100% realized that your angry overreactions are actually due to anxiety. Your internal experience and external reaction are your own. There’s no such thing as a right or wrong reaction to anxiety. I want to emphasize that “typical” is just another word for “expected,” but it’s not a stand in for right, correct, or even preferred. And they DEFINITELY tend to miss that it’s really anxiety when that FIGHT reaction comes out. Outside observers don’t always notice that people pleasers are experiencing anxiety, too (that fawn reaction). If you have a “typical” anxiety response, you’re going to want to run away from the scary event, or freeze and look really shy and quiet. Just ask Jack Dawson about that one.“Typical” Anxiety and Anxiety-Driven Anger: And honestly, ignoring the bottom half of an iceberg is always bad for a relationship. Keeping your relationship healthy means allowing yourself to look beyond the most visual emotion. "If you can identify the emotions underneath the anger, it can help to talk about the feelings, recognizing that anger is a defense against those softer, more frightening emotions," Dr. ![]() ![]() Taking a minute to dive deep into yourself can allow for a calmer, more proactive dialogue to unfold. Nelson recommends that you ask yourself a few questions: What is underneath the anger? What do I feel afraid of? What is making me feel vulnerable? What am I afraid I will lose or what will be taken away from me? You might just be feeling scared or insecure about your partner leaving you. The next time you feel yourself directing anger toward your partner, stop for a moment and think about the feelings that might be hiding within. Taking a minute to consider the Anger Iceberg, then, allows us to raise our overall Emotional Intelligence, and cool down an argument before it becomes a fight (because yes, bickering and fighting are different). We use as a mask to hide the more delicate emotions we're afraid to share with others. In essence, you can translate that toward getting angry at your partner. ![]()
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